Olivia had to get five stitches today in her chin.... again... we just did this a few weeks back. Today she fell on a balance beam and hurt her chin even worse. Last time they did durabond and Livi picked that right off. This time they did the old fashioned stitches. John says Livi did so well, watched a princess DVD and was fine. She was upset and did not want John to call me or tell me. She was afraid I would be upset with her or mad at her. That breaks my heart more than I can say. When she got home I told her that it was an accident and that I would never be mad at her for anything like this. I just want her to be gentle with herself. She did the same thing when this happened before, she was afraid Daddy would be upset when I called him.

The thing is when she kept picking at her glue stitches, in frustration I told her we would have to go back & get more stitches.... I was trying to deter her. So I kind of made it sound that the doctors would be mighty upset if we had to go back. Not to mention the $300 bill for the ER care. So here she was headed back and probably thinking she was gonna get scolded. Poor kid, Bad Mommy. I joke with her that she is really putting a damper on our summer swimming plans.... no pool for a week- so far we have had two weeks of no swimming because of chin issues.

Poor Livi

So Today was my friends funeral. Lura was only 41 and leaves behind a daughter, Family & Friends who will miss her dearly. Lura was a girl who belonged in a different time. She had a love for the Monkeys, Ricky Nelson~ artists I had never heard of back in 1986. She had a childlike sweetness that I will always remember. I had not talked to Lura in years... besides yearly Christmas greetings, I did not even know her kidneys were failing. I wish I would have found or made the time to keep in touch with her. We met when we were 17 and had many adventures together . I was always dragging her to go dancing and she was always dragging me to record stores. Then life took us in different directions.


I have another friend, one that I have not seen or talked to in a decade. His name is Scott and I hurt him very badly. I knew if Lura's family had a hard time reaching me that they would have a hard time reaching Scott as well. I tracked down his number and half expected him to hang up on me. I told him that there was so much I wanted to tell him, but now was not the time. I broke the news about Lura. I told him if I saw him at the wake I would have a letter for him, if not I would mail it ( now that I googled his phone number and found his address)

I had been unable to contact Scott up until today. Last time I heard from him, he vowed never to speak to me again. I regret hurting him more than I regret anything. I have always wanted the chance to apologize. He is always in my thoughts. How I hurt him is a really long & involved story. I did not attend his wedding & I was supposed to be in his wedding... one of his Groomsmen. There is so much to it, but the fact is I regret my choice.


I tried hunting Scott down for years.... facebook, Myspace, classmates.com, and no Luck.. his number had been changed. He had moved, I had moved & changed my name. This morning I happened to remember & google his parents name and finally found him. I don't know why I did not think of that sooner. So in the midst of mourning for Lura I was able to see my friend Scott. Oh how I wanted to just hug him.. to pull him aside and pour my heart out. My heart smiled with joy at the sight of him. I was also nervous.. would he be mad? This was not the time & place to make amends. Scott & I met when we were in the ninth grade, graduated high school together , he walked me down the aisle when I got married ( the 1st time), we have had many adventures together, traipsing around the Bahama's & drinking to much rum... oh how I have missed him.

I know what you are thinking..... it was not like that. Scott & I were never involved in a romantic way.. many people don't believe that. It is not that the feelings were never there on either side. He is the man I used to measure up potential husbands. He is an amazing, witty, funny man. He is also stubborn. John is a lot like him. A romantic thing with us was just not meant to be... we were meant to be friends. I do believe we were soul mates in another time.. as corny as that sounds.


As he got up to leave today.. I hesitated.. I did not want him to go yet. We had not talked much. I wanted to hug his big teddy bear body..... I think he wanted to hug me too... but we shook hands awkwardly. I did not know If I would ever see him again. I gave him his letter and watched him walk away. It was then that Lura's death really hit me and I thanked her for bringing Scott & I together again.

So I sit here and wonder... will I see him again? did he read that letter? did he throw it away? What is he thinking? Does he still hate me? Will he email me? I checked my email as soon as we got home... hopeful.... and nothing. The phone rings and I jump. He may not even have email. The fact is he may never contact me. I need to let it go. There will always be a Scott shaped hole in my Universe.

I told him in my letter that I expect nothing from him.. that just to be able to give him my letter is enough. But that was not the truth. I am hopeful... hopeful for a friendship again. I am hopeful for a clean slate and to just have him & Kathy in my life somehow, someway.

Can you believe that we have had Max almost six months now. The other day he just barreled down the sliding screen door to get at a bird and I caught him with feathers in his mouth and a good 20 birds squawking at him. Then when John fixed the door he fixed it too good and now the stinker cat has learned to open to slider and get outside. He puts his nail in the screen and pulls. Now we have to keep that main door shut until we figure something out. The slider does not have a lock. Then he busted the side door screen to get out. So no more taking Max outside at all.. not even on his leash. I can't even imagine how upset Liv would be if the dumb cat got lost. This cat is determined to be outside if Livi is outside.


More than I few times I ask myself " what were we thinking ?" getting another pet? ..... I am the one who has to do all the work, however Livi helps with the cleaning the litter boxes. He is always biting my ankles... attacking playfully... but ouch. When he is not sleeping or eating.. he is getting into trouble.... climbing up the screens trying to get at birds outside or bugs.

Mimi our old tortie has never warmed up to Max


trouble I tell ya.....

I am whooped.. all this running around just hit me yesterday. I had one of those headaches that just won' relent. I was in bed at 8.15. Livi was just working my nerves yesterday. I swear her relentless repetitive questioning is like torture. It just wears on me... honest to god she will ask me the same question 100 times. After a while.. I am just snappish. Lord I am only human.

Livi has started this quirky hand flapping... like she is a bird.. flapping her arms up & down. I don't know if this is just a phase.. a way to move her body without hopping? or something to be worried about. Then there are the tantrums. One day she is as helpful as can be.. making her bed.. getting dressed without a fuss. She can be so determined.. so focused on a goal and then there are days when she can't focus or make a choice. She struggles with picking out a bathing suit to wear. Do I give her simple choices or make the choice for her to make it easier?


There are days everything is too hard for her. We have a chart.. a list... a simple chart with pictures, to defuse these morning problems and some mornings everything is a battle. This is just so complex and I am just trying to figure out how her brain is working. This is a medical condition, not just a set of behaviors. It is so hard writing about all this.. It is so hard to articulate. She is my wonderful full of life girl who is so bright & well mannered, yet a simple trip to the grocery store can be hell.


It is time to find a new doctor to manage her adhd.. I just feel so rushed with her Neurologist. I don't feel as if he is offering much in the way of managing behaviors. I guess I want a more " whole" child approach. Meds and someone to work with us as a family. It is clear that we need help.... I just need to keep looking until we find it. Now John would say that I need help... that I just need to learn how to manage... to chill.. to just relax.... that this is mostly me & my reactions.....this is not me... how many doctors and specialists will it take until that sinks in.

I don't think we have found the right answers or right treatment.

Hi All,

Hope your all having a great summer. We are keepin Busy over here... but a good busy. Wanting to squeeze every drop out of summer. Beach, Water Park, Farm park, playground, pool. Livi learned to cross the monkey bars... a big deal when your 4.5. She is so proud of herself & I am proud of her. She just kept trying and trying. I have never seen a more determined kid in my life. Her hands are blistered.

I need a hair cut desperately... it's been about 12 weeks now and my great cut has lost it's shape. I need to remind myself that frequent trims will help me as I attempt to grow it longer. It's hard to keep cutting it when you just want it longer already. I love my bangs.I have about six medical appointments to arrange for fall... Livi needs a appt with her neurologist and a new ped. Her ped is moving and this is a good time to try and find a ped who is willing to help manage her adhd. I need to get my eyes checked, it's been a decade. I also need to find a good local gynecologist or make an appt with my old one who is always booked up a year in advance and is farther away.


So we are heading to the pool.... Livi learned to do somersaults in the water & I bought her some diving rings so she can dive to her hearts content.


Hope you are all well,
Lauri